No Saguaro

No Saguaro

January 23, 2012

Thank God She’s Stepping Down, But What Kind Of Assclown Will Take Her Place?

The news that Congresscreature Gabrielle Giffords is stepping down from office is certainly good news to those of us who love liberty and common sense. She claims to want to devote more of her time and energy to her “recovery,” the theft of taxpayer money and what little is left of our freedom apparently being a bit too arduous for her current condition, although Gabby was already brain damaged even before last January’s shooting. Apparently just enough of what little gray matter she has was rearranged in that unfortunate incident to induce the realization that a “career” in the nation’s foremost criminal organization isn’t an option for someone with faculties reduced to levels even below the floor characteristic of that body. Unfortunately, it’s almost certain that the votards of Gabby’s low-mental-wattage district, an electorate consisting mostly of shiftless, brainless losers who look upon Uncle Sam as their sugar mommy, will find some other lying, power-hungry, statist loser to fill her still-warm seat.

Given that only bloodthirsty right-wing fascists and thieving, social engineering-addicted left-wing control freaks find any traction in politics around here, the replacement is likely to be as bad as Giffords, or worse (“the devil you know,” and all that stuff). As a non-voter who considers politics to be at best a fool’s waste of time and at worst an exercise in criminality, the outcome of the special election is immaterial to me except as a spectator. After all, the substitution of one criminal moron for another inside an elected political body has never changed anything except for the worse and this time will be no different.

I do hope –in vain, I realize-- that whatever Gabby Giffords does after leaving Congress doesn’t involve taxpayer money. It would be nice to think that she’ll just return to the ranch on which she grew up and just vegetate (pun intended), doing no more damage to the body public. However, given all of the Paris Hilton-like attention that has been showered upon her since her fateful meeting with the wrong end of Jared Lee Loughner’s bullet, attention that has practically turned her into “Martina Luther King,” she’ll probably remain in the limelight for a long time to come. From a purely political standpoint, I suppose the silver lining here is that whatever piece of excrement takes over “representation” of the 8th Congressional District will be left holding the bag once things in Rome-on-the-Potomac completely unravel. No doubt that will have a doubly harsh impact on the economic and intellectual desert that is southeastern Arizona, so Gabby will have dodged a bullet of a whole other kind in this case. Given the political nadir that Gabby represents where Tucson is concerned (her fellow T2 congresscreature Raul Grijalva being the only other comparable example), let us hope that a particularly reprehensible specimen is elected to “represent” Arizona's 8th Congressional District.

So good-bye, Gabby, and don’t like the door to the House chamber hit you on your skinny ass on the way out. Just don’t hurry back here to Tucson, okay? The fewer T2s that come back to re-infest the hive, the better off we’ll all be.

January 15, 2012

Tucson Tard (T2) Of The Week: Nathaniel Canez

This is an award that I intend to bestow each week to the Tucson Tard (henceforth referred to in this blog as a “T2”) who has managed to tunnel beneath the previously established nadir of this town’s well-known stupidity to do something uniquely boneheaded.  While ideally this award would only be conferred upon a single individual once, some of the more prominent recipients such as local politicians, celebrities, or community activists will no doubt say or do things of such mind-numbing idiocy, with such regularity that they will leave me no choice to but make them multiple titleholders.  Anyway, on to our inaugural awardee, who we are informed has been sentenced this week to almost half a century in prison for the multiple acts of stupidity described below.

Two and a half years ago, on September 7, 2009, young Mr. Canez and some of his equally acerebral, oxygen-thieving pals decided that it would be a great idea, and a lot of fun, to go on a spree of breaking into and stealing from parked cars in a heavily populated residential neighborhood.  Such capers have long plagued this crime-infested berg, leading some of the more law-abiding inmates to make extra efforts to watch out for and prevent such activity in their neighborhoods.  Given that gun ownership and gun use, among the law-abiding as well as criminal class, is very popular even in the suburban and urban neighborhoods of this place, the undertaking by Mr. Canez and company was a less than brilliant idea.  But, being model T2s, the obvious dangers and high risk of being caught didn’t deter Canez or his buddies.

One of the residents of the 6200 block of South Campbell Avenue, an intended victim of the Canez posse, apparently didn’t care to be relieved of his vehicle or property by mobile pieces of excrement masquerading as teenage humans.  Understandably, he decided to stop them in their endeavor to commit mayhem and mischief.   Unfortunately, however, he either was not armed (bad idea) or was unable or did not attempt to use any firearms he might have been carrying, because Mr. Canez shot the man. 

Either miraculously or through some judge’s unfathomable stupidity (I’m betting on the latter; the judge responsible for this is a candidate for a future T2 Award), our genius awardee was granted bail on January 8, 2010, but just couldn’t seem to be able to keep his nose clean while awaiting trial.  Not satisfied with committing attempted murder, our Tard of the Week decided that he was going to spend the weeks and months awaiting trial continuing to be a criminal scumbag.  Apparently not content with just that either, he decided, almost two months to the day after his release on undeserved parole, to lead some local cops on a high-speed chase down East Ajo Way when they tried to pull him over, undoubtedly for doing something transparently stupid (like, say, driving a stolen car?).  While recklessly joyriding down East Ajo, our wannabe Mario Andretti decided to mate his getaway car with two others on that street before finally being apprehended. 

Presumably a judge different from the one who initially released Canez on bail was not amused by either his latest Indy 500/Demolition Derby caper or his original crime of shooting people trying to prevent their property from being stolen.  The judge sentenced Canez to 26 years for the shooting and to an additional 18 for the evading arrest and other multiple charges. 

Admittedly, Nathaniel Canez’s case isn’t the most egregious that could qualify for the T2 Award, but we’ll be sure to work our way down from here. Stay tuned. Next week’s T2 will surely be more interesting and deserving.After all, there’s a nearly endless supply of candidates.

January 11, 2012

Tucsonans Are Douchebags - Example #2,017 (Updated, 1/13)

We only wish we could have talked him out of making the purchase and the move when he first looked at the property, but he was not to be discouraged.  We just wanted to prevent someone else from suffering what we suffered when we made an identical unwise decision years earlier.  Alas, history truly does repeat itself.  I refer to the rude awakening of our new neighbor, a transplant from back east like us, on moving-in day, to the disgusting state of filth and disorder in which his newly acquired property had been left by the previous owners.

As is the general rule with so much of life here, what is bad about Arizona as a whole is amplified threefold in Tucson.  It is no different in matters of real estate.  Arizona has acquired a well-earned unsavory reputation in this area.  One does not have to search far to find unqualified and unprofessional agents, shady mortgage lenders, and incompetent, dishonest, and unqualified “home inspectors.”  Sellers here appear to think that mountains of cash representing their asking price will magically land in their laps once they put their homes on the market, no matter how deplorable their home’s condition.   Because the housing bubble of the last decade gave this place the closest thing to economic growth that it will ever have, the inmates came to believe, more strongly than people anywhere else in the nation except possibly Florida, that the train would keep rolling, that housing prices would only go up, up, UP, and that any asking price was the final, unimpeachable word.  Compounding their delusions, and reflecting their well-known irresponsibility with money, many Arizona homeowners, especially here in Tardtown, weren’t satisfied just with buying houses through subprime mortgages.  They also took out home equity loans – sometimes more than one, as was the case of the previous owner of our house.   Then the bubble burst.

Amoricons in general are either ignorant of or cannot stand to come to terms with the laws of economics.  Arizonans in general, and Tucson Tards in particular, cannot even fathom the concept of economic laws.  But that didn’t change the fact that once the housing bubble burst, those laws made their presence felt, with a vengeance.  Suddenly, Tucson Tards who thought that their over-mortgaged homes had set them on Easy Street for life discovered that no one was going to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for a flimsy mobile home or prefabricated house that sat on a couple of acres of dry desert scrub land.  At the same time, those subprime “balloon” mortgages –you know, the ones that the sleazy mortgage lenders told the gullible tards would never adjust upward more than a quarter of percentage point per year—suddenly got a whole lot more expensive.  So expensive, in fact, that the Tucson Tards, with their shitty minimum-wage jobs that wouldn’t have qualified them for a mortgage to begin with under real, non-FED-manipulated market conditions, couldn’t afford them anymore.  So the tards, desperate for a way out, began to abandon their properties at astounding rates, or put them on the market, believing, for reasons only the Lord Himself could fathom, that there were people out there even stupider than they were who would pay a premium for distressed property in the middle of the desert, property generally with limited or no access to civilizational amenities. 

Occasionally a white knight in the form of a potential buyer with cash, usually always someone from out of town, guided by one of the area’s sleazy and incompetent real estate hacks, would find some luck Tucson Tard trying to escape their mortgage and would offer them at least enough to cover most of their existing mortgage balance, or some amount approximating the actual current market value of the property.  Amazingly, most of the tards balked at such offers, demanding their full, bubble-era asking price, however unrealistic it was, and simply decided to hold out (to no avail) for more money. 

My new neighbor was such a white knight to my previous neighbors, who had the property on the market for two full years without having so much as a single competing offer.  I don’t know what my new neighbor finally got the sellers to agree to for a sale price, but I suspect that it was less than half of what they were asking.  They probably suffered a loss on the sale (welcome to the club!) and for that reason were resistant to doing anything to the property that they weren’t compelled by law or contract to do.  Of course they were anti-social, inconsiderate douchebags to begin with anyway, but the humiliation of having been victimized by the economic realities of the current housing market only amplified their preexisting tendencies.

So what did these douchebags do, or not do to the property?  For starters, they left the place a filthy mess, just as was the case with our property, and, I suspect, based on conversations I’ve had with other neighbors who’ve moved here within the last few years, every other property in this part of town.  In my new neighbor’s case, the previous owners did not know what soap, water, brooms, mops, disinfectant, bug spray, floor wax, and vacuum cleaners were, or chose to ignore their duty to use them.  He reported that the house’s kitchen and both bathrooms were “black with filth, grime, and grease,” that the kitchen and bathroom cabinets, in particular, were “so filthy and sticky as to be unusable,” and that the carpet, though salvageable, looks as if dirt and coal dust had been ground into it.  It took nearly a thousand dollars of his own money to get the place clean and inhabitable. 

Second, as also happened to us, the previous owners made off with fixtures that were supposed to convey with the property.  This is a common scam here in Tard Town, the natives apparently believing that, given the glacial pace of legal procedures here, along with the stonewalling for which people here are famous, most buyers will decide that it’s not worth the time, money, effort, and agony to seek legal recourse for this breach of contract once they’ve committed to purchase of the property and are read to close.  Infuriatingly, they’re right.  Not only are the real estate agents here culpable in this unethical behavior, but the state’s courts put such claims at the bottom of their priority list.  Even a small claims case around failure to convey can take over a year to adjudicate, by which time it’s simply no longer an economically viable undertaking. 

Nice scam.  You’ve gotta hand it to the tards.

Oh, and don’t bother trying to sue real estate agents here for malpractice or breach of contract.  Their lobbyists have already effectively talked the state legislature into making sure that such suits will go nowhere.

So I wish my new neighbor, a really great guy who can help us to add much more needed intelligence and decency to this neighborhood, the best of luck.  We’re taking bets on how long the “new resident’s magical trance” will wear off and when he’ll start to see the locals as the thieving, lazy, ignorant slobs that they clearly are.

Update:   Apparently the particular Tucsonans mentioned in this post are also thieves and vandals.  My new neighbor informed me today that in addition to having left the property a filthy mess, the douchebags who were the previous owners also drained the 200-gallon propane tank of all fuel and left a large, gaping hole in the living room wall, apparently gouged out by a careless furniture move or application of heavy blunt object.  Truly despicable, careless, irresponsible human beings, these creatures.  Alas, my neighbor realizes, as we did when the same thing happened to us, pursuing legal charges against the previous owners for damages is a fruitless act.  I might recommend that he do what we should have done when the same thing happened to us: sue both his real estate agent and the seller's agent for negligence.  Since he was unable to be present to conduct the final walk-through of the property that  took place prior to settlement, he had stipulated (hopefully in writing) that his agent was to act as his agent by inspecting the property and ensuring that it was in habitable condition before settlement.  This she clearly failed to do, as did the sellers' agent by ensuring that her clients had the property in a condition fit for transfer.  I don't know if there's legal precedent for such a lawsuit, but if so, he should avail himself of it.  Being every bit the douchebags as are the rest of the inhabitants of this cesspool of humanity, both his purchasing agent and the sellers' agent clearly were derelict in their obligations.  If this practice of carelessness remains unchallenged, more of the same will happen to other home buyers in the future.

January 10, 2012

Did Anyone Out There Attend or Watch Gabbyfest 1?

eThat is, did anyone waste precious lifehours either attending or watching on local TV any of the nonsense convened on the occasion of the first "anniversary" of the "tragedy" that took place one year and two days ago?  Given the insufferable "All Gabby Giffords, All The Time" nature of the first ninety media days following the original shooting last year, it was with dread that I heard of the impending "remembrances," "ceremonies," "gatherings," etc. announced for last Sunday.

To be clear, the events of January 8, 2011 were unfortunate and Giffords and the other victims of that day's shootings certainly didn't deserve their fate.  But to turn Giffords into some kind of martyr figure, as the local mediatards did, parroted by far too many of the moron masses, was simply inexcusable.  To revisit those events in successive years as if they should be observed as some sort of holiday is just absurd.  Amoricons in general have become obsessed with tragedy worship-as-holiday (9-11 being the most notorious example), but this is carrying things to ridiculous extremes.

So if you were bored and masochistic enough to have partaken of the hysterical, maudlin nonsense, I pity you.  But frankly, I'm also curious to know if things got as out of hand as I had imagined they would.

Do share.

January 5, 2012

Tucson Jokes

What would a site like this be without some nasty, below-the-belt jokes?

Q. What’s the difference between a dead coyote and a dead Tucsonan?
A. There are skid marks near the coyote.

It’s being reported that Uof A head football coach Mike Stoops will only be dressing twenty players for the Arizona State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Tucson?
A. There’s nothing worth shitting on.

Q. What’s more difficult than arguing common sense with a Tucsonan?
A. Getting them to make your Big Mac correctly.

Q. What does the average Tucson high school senior get on his SATs?
A. Drool

Q: Why do they throw manure at a Tucson wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q. What are the longest three years of a Tucsonan’s life?
A. First grade

Q. Why don’t you find many cockroaches in Tucson?
A. Because even most cockroaches have at least an ounce of self-respect.

Q. What do you do when a Tucsonan knocks on your door?
A. Tip them $5.00 and enjoy your pizza!

Q. How do you ruin a Tucson house party?
A. Flush the punch bowl.

Q. Why do Tucson women wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from scraping the ground.

Q. What do you get when you put 32 Tucsonans in one room?
A. Occasionally, a full set of teeth.

Q: How do we know Jesus Christ was not from Tucson?
A: You’d never find a virgin there, much less three wise men.

Q: How do you get to Tucson from Scottsdale?
A: You go south until you smell it, then east until you step in it.

Q: What are the only signs of intelligent life in Tucson?
A: “San Diego, 420 miles,” and  “El Paso, 300 miles”

Q. How do you get a Tucson chick into your bedroom?
A. Grease her hips and push.

The head of a Tucson high school math department told the school's honor student, “You’re failing MAT 101. In order to graduate at the end of the semester, you’re going to have to answer a couple questions correctly.  Question number one: What is four times eleven?”

“A hundred” the student answered.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the class chanted.

“OK, said the teacher, “what is two plus two?”

“Four” beamed the student.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the students chanted.

Q: How come whenever they shop for cars at Jim Click dealerships, Tucsonans never choose a
     Japanese car?
A: They’re afraid they won’t understand what’s playing on the car radio.

Q. What do you call a hot chick in Tucson?
A. A tourist.

Did you hear about the travel agency that was sponsoring a contest?  First prize was a week's vacation in Tucson.  Second prize was two weeks vacation in Tucson.

Q.  Why do Tucsonans carry turds in their wallets?
A.  I.D.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson woman and cholla?
A.  You could eat cholla if you absolutely had to.

Q. What's the most popular pick-up line in Tucson?
A.  “So which high school did you drop out of?”

Q.  What's Tucson foreplay?
A.  “Go get me another Corona, bitch.”

Q.  What's a Tucson yuppie?
A.  A guy who manages the fast food place where he works.

Q.  Why are their fewer illegal aliens in Tucson than in most other cities of the Southwest?
A.  Even desperate, down-and-out Mexicans still have a shred of self-respect.

Q.  How did they count Tucson's population in the 2010 census?
A.  They counted the number of known meth labs, then multiplied by 200.

Q.  What do you call a ten-year-old Tucsonan?
A.  A survivor.

Q.  Why is there an average of only six rattlesnake bites per year in Tucson?
A.  Even rattlesnakes have standards.

Q.  If you live in Tucson, how do you prevent burglars from stealing your valuables?
A.  Hide them in your library or in your bathroom underneath bars of soap, bottles of douche,
      or tubes of toothpaste.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson wedding and a Tucson funeral?
A.  One less drunken methhead at the funeral.

Q.  What do you call a rich Tucsonan?
A.  A snowbird

Q.  What do you call a Tucson man with a full-time steady job on which he supports his family?
A.  You're joking, right?

Q.  Why are day spas off limits to Tucsonans?
A.  The leave rings on the massage tables.

Q.  What do you call economic growth in Tucson?
A.  Wishful thinking

Q.  What do you call a 300-pound Tucson woman?
A.  Anorexic

A Tucson biker with his old lady on the back of his bike were riding down a stretch of open desert highway when they came upon a sanitation crew in the middle of the road repairing a ruptured sewer pipe.  As they came to a stop, a foul, breath-arresting, eye-watering stench from the open sewer main instantly smacked them full force in the  nostrils.  Inhaling deeply, the biker turned to his girlfriend and said “hey, babe, one of those guys is wearing my aftershave!”

Q.  What do you call a Tucson kid who is an honor student, an Eagle Scout, and an athlete?
A.  An outcast

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan divorce his wife and marry an outhouse?
A.  The hole was smaller, the smell was better, and it didn't talk back while he was using it.

Q.  How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Tucson?
A.  If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

Q.  What is the most confusing day of the year to a Tucsonan?
A.  Father's Day

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving?
A.  Because In-N-Out Burger is closed on both days.

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan stop bathing?
A.  He finally fixed the leak in his swamp cooler.

Q.  What's a Tucson drought?
A.  When the Circle K down the road is out of Corona and Coors Light.

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans bathe?
A.   They're afraid they'll lose their scent and that their kids won't be able to find their way home again.

Q.   What did the Tucsonan say to the javelina he caught raiding his garbage cans?
A.   “Stop, thief!”

Q.   What's the most under-attended event  in Tucson?
A.   Graduation day at the local high schools

Q.   What do you call someone with a graduate degree from UofA?
A.   “Waiter!”

Q.   What is the world's most hopeless job?
A.   Alcoholics Anonymous facilitator in Tucson.

Q.   Why did the Tucsonan stop going to church?
A.   He found out that a “Methodist” isn't someone from whom he could by drugs.

Q.   What's the difference between a Tucsonan and sandpaper?
A.   Sandpaper is smoother.

Q.   Why do Tucsonans call their city “the Old Pueblo?” 
A.   It's easier to say than “Tucson” when you have no teeth.

Q.   What do you call a Tucson dentist?
A.   Unemployed

Q.   When the church empties out after a Tucson wedding, how do you spot the bride?
A.   She's the one with a ring in her nose wearing the white tube top.

Q.   What is the world's most pointless government bureaucracy?
A.   The Arizona Department of Education

Q.    How do you tell a Tucsonan's age? 
A.    Count the number of tattoos.

Sources of Endless Stupidity

I refer here, of course, to the local mainstream print and broadcast media.  While these obsolete outlets of government propaganda for the moron masses are insufferable everywhere, they are more so here by orders of magnitude, given the diminished mental capacity of the intended audience.  I offer here a selection of the main "officially sanctioned" sources of local stupidity, the list being by no means exhaustive.

The Arizona Daily Star. The only corporate print "newspaper" still "serving" Tucson in the two years since the demise of the equally execrable Tucson Citizen , which now exists only in digital form (and is no more useful than its dead tree pulp ancestor).  How a town whose majority barely reads at a fifth grade level managed to sustain two newspapers for over one hundred years is one of the world's great unsolved mysteries.  The Daily Star has, not surprisingly, degenerated into a pale imitation of USA Today and serves the same purpose: to make functional illiterates think they're reading a real newspaper.

KGUN, KOLD , KMSB, and KVOA .  The "Four Fucktards" of TV "news" for Tucson, affiliated with ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC, respectively, each of the dying "big four" having a local corpse on life support.  All of these stations are, like others around the nation, interchangeable and fungible, each station's moronic drivel packaged as "news" indistinguishable from that of its other three "competitors."  Of special note in Tucson, however, are KVOA's gang of hacks, fronted by the brainless token Kristi Tedesco and sleazy used car salesman-turned-teleprompter-reader John Overall.  A pair more representative of their intended audience is unlikely to be found in any major city of comparable size.

There are other sources out there to be found, if you have a strong stomach and life minutes to waste looking for them.  Those that I cite above will do just fine as inexhaustible sources of material for this blog.


To those of you who are first-time visitors to this new blog, I bid you welcome (insert proper Bela Lugosi accent here). It is my sincere hope that you are not one of us unfortunate souls who exist here in what is commonly called "the Old Pueblo." If you are, I'm assuming that you are here either because you share the sentiments expressed by this blog's title, or because you are offended by it and wish to defend what passes for this city's honor. Either way, I look forward to your input.

For those who wonder why this blog is here, I created it out of a sense of frustration. When I first moved here nearly a decade ago after surviving for nearly two decades on the East Coast, I looked forward to simply being able to settle into my new pastoral existence in the northwestern part of the city, meet new neighbors, establish new professional and social contacts, and generally do whatever I could to contribute to the betterment of everyone's life here through peaceful, voluntary interaction. Before moving here I had visited Tucson frequently over a period of several years for both work and pleasure, during each of the area's five seasons, meeting many people from all walks of life, enjoying the climate and thinking that Tucson was a functional city like any other, even considering that it had its own unique problems.
It soon became evident that I was unprepared for what it meant to actually live here year round and permanently. After succumbing to the bait of lovely year-round weather (yes, that includes summer; I'm a proverbial "desert rat") and what was then a dynamic housing market, it dawned on me after my first three months of actually living here that all was not as it at first seemed. It soon became apparent that the inhabitants of this place were the most anti-social, apathetic, bigoted, ignorant, irresponsible, lazy, shiftless, substance-addicted and STUPID creatures I had ever encountered, even by Arizona standards. I could not and still cannot grasp how it is possible that so much human stupidity is concentrated in one municipal unit and yet that unit still manages to function as a civilization. There must be just enough people here with IQs north of the zero mark able to keep the cogs in motion and prevent collapse, although I'm still not sure after nearly ten years here just who these people are. I certainly don't encounter them on a regular basis. The bottom line is that intelligent, motivated, hardworking, thrifty, moral, critically thinking people have an extremely difficult time adapting to Tucson. In fact, those who can (i.e., those with enough foresight not to have bought property here and who are not tied down to a local job) usually leave in disgust after a very short time. As has been pointed out on this excellent blog, many, if not most of those who have no choice but to stay usually resign themselves to a tedious, ultimately meaningless existence which they attempt to cope with through drug and alcohol abuse, just like the natives do. That's why even those who are not native to this godforsaken city but who have spent enough years of their lives here become indistinguishable from those who are Tucson born and bred.

Yours truly, however, has no intention of giving in to the status quo. To be perfectly clear, I fault no one but myself for the decision to buy overpriced property here during the "boom" period, but that has little bearing on my hatred of this city. The fact is that I intend to either reform my own small piece of this place or become a bone in its collective throat while trying. Either way, I intend to show the world this city's true colors. Hopefully this will serve to prevent more well-meaning people from being deceived into moving here, or encourage those with no alternative but to stay here to make a difference. With any luck and with God's help, both will happen.