No Saguaro

No Saguaro

January 5, 2012

Tucson Jokes

What would a site like this be without some nasty, below-the-belt jokes?

Q. What’s the difference between a dead coyote and a dead Tucsonan?
A. There are skid marks near the coyote.

It’s being reported that Uof A head football coach Mike Stoops will only be dressing twenty players for the Arizona State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Tucson?
A. There’s nothing worth shitting on.

Q. What’s more difficult than arguing common sense with a Tucsonan?
A. Getting them to make your Big Mac correctly.

Q. What does the average Tucson high school senior get on his SATs?
A. Drool

Q: Why do they throw manure at a Tucson wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q. What are the longest three years of a Tucsonan’s life?
A. First grade

Q. Why don’t you find many cockroaches in Tucson?
A. Because even most cockroaches have at least an ounce of self-respect.

Q. What do you do when a Tucsonan knocks on your door?
A. Tip them $5.00 and enjoy your pizza!

Q. How do you ruin a Tucson house party?
A. Flush the punch bowl.

Q. Why do Tucson women wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from scraping the ground.

Q. What do you get when you put 32 Tucsonans in one room?
A. Occasionally, a full set of teeth.

Q: How do we know Jesus Christ was not from Tucson?
A: You’d never find a virgin there, much less three wise men.

Q: How do you get to Tucson from Scottsdale?
A: You go south until you smell it, then east until you step in it.

Q: What are the only signs of intelligent life in Tucson?
A: “San Diego, 420 miles,” and  “El Paso, 300 miles”

Q. How do you get a Tucson chick into your bedroom?
A. Grease her hips and push.

The head of a Tucson high school math department told the school's honor student, “You’re failing MAT 101. In order to graduate at the end of the semester, you’re going to have to answer a couple questions correctly.  Question number one: What is four times eleven?”

“A hundred” the student answered.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the class chanted.

“OK, said the teacher, “what is two plus two?”

“Four” beamed the student.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the students chanted.

Q: How come whenever they shop for cars at Jim Click dealerships, Tucsonans never choose a
     Japanese car?
A: They’re afraid they won’t understand what’s playing on the car radio.

Q. What do you call a hot chick in Tucson?
A. A tourist.

Did you hear about the travel agency that was sponsoring a contest?  First prize was a week's vacation in Tucson.  Second prize was two weeks vacation in Tucson.

Q.  Why do Tucsonans carry turds in their wallets?
A.  I.D.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson woman and cholla?
A.  You could eat cholla if you absolutely had to.

Q. What's the most popular pick-up line in Tucson?
A.  “So which high school did you drop out of?”

Q.  What's Tucson foreplay?
A.  “Go get me another Corona, bitch.”

Q.  What's a Tucson yuppie?
A.  A guy who manages the fast food place where he works.

Q.  Why are their fewer illegal aliens in Tucson than in most other cities of the Southwest?
A.  Even desperate, down-and-out Mexicans still have a shred of self-respect.

Q.  How did they count Tucson's population in the 2010 census?
A.  They counted the number of known meth labs, then multiplied by 200.

Q.  What do you call a ten-year-old Tucsonan?
A.  A survivor.

Q.  Why is there an average of only six rattlesnake bites per year in Tucson?
A.  Even rattlesnakes have standards.

Q.  If you live in Tucson, how do you prevent burglars from stealing your valuables?
A.  Hide them in your library or in your bathroom underneath bars of soap, bottles of douche,
      or tubes of toothpaste.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson wedding and a Tucson funeral?
A.  One less drunken methhead at the funeral.

Q.  What do you call a rich Tucsonan?
A.  A snowbird

Q.  What do you call a Tucson man with a full-time steady job on which he supports his family?
A.  You're joking, right?

Q.  Why are day spas off limits to Tucsonans?
A.  The leave rings on the massage tables.

Q.  What do you call economic growth in Tucson?
A.  Wishful thinking

Q.  What do you call a 300-pound Tucson woman?
A.  Anorexic

A Tucson biker with his old lady on the back of his bike were riding down a stretch of open desert highway when they came upon a sanitation crew in the middle of the road repairing a ruptured sewer pipe.  As they came to a stop, a foul, breath-arresting, eye-watering stench from the open sewer main instantly smacked them full force in the  nostrils.  Inhaling deeply, the biker turned to his girlfriend and said “hey, babe, one of those guys is wearing my aftershave!”

Q.  What do you call a Tucson kid who is an honor student, an Eagle Scout, and an athlete?
A.  An outcast

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan divorce his wife and marry an outhouse?
A.  The hole was smaller, the smell was better, and it didn't talk back while he was using it.

Q.  How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Tucson?
A.  If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

Q.  What is the most confusing day of the year to a Tucsonan?
A.  Father's Day

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving?
A.  Because In-N-Out Burger is closed on both days.

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan stop bathing?
A.  He finally fixed the leak in his swamp cooler.

Q.  What's a Tucson drought?
A.  When the Circle K down the road is out of Corona and Coors Light.

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans bathe?
A.   They're afraid they'll lose their scent and that their kids won't be able to find their way home again.

Q.   What did the Tucsonan say to the javelina he caught raiding his garbage cans?
A.   “Stop, thief!”

Q.   What's the most under-attended event  in Tucson?
A.   Graduation day at the local high schools

Q.   What do you call someone with a graduate degree from UofA?
A.   “Waiter!”

Q.   What is the world's most hopeless job?
A.   Alcoholics Anonymous facilitator in Tucson.

Q.   Why did the Tucsonan stop going to church?
A.   He found out that a “Methodist” isn't someone from whom he could by drugs.

Q.   What's the difference between a Tucsonan and sandpaper?
A.   Sandpaper is smoother.

Q.   Why do Tucsonans call their city “the Old Pueblo?” 
A.   It's easier to say than “Tucson” when you have no teeth.

Q.   What do you call a Tucson dentist?
A.   Unemployed

Q.   When the church empties out after a Tucson wedding, how do you spot the bride?
A.   She's the one with a ring in her nose wearing the white tube top.

Q.   What is the world's most pointless government bureaucracy?
A.   The Arizona Department of Education

Q.    How do you tell a Tucsonan's age? 
A.    Count the number of tattoos.

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