No Saguaro

No Saguaro

January 5, 2012

Tucson Jokes

What would a site like this be without some nasty, below-the-belt jokes?

Q. What’s the difference between a dead coyote and a dead Tucsonan?
A. There are skid marks near the coyote.

It’s being reported that Uof A head football coach Mike Stoops will only be dressing twenty players for the Arizona State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Tucson?
A. There’s nothing worth shitting on.

Q. What’s more difficult than arguing common sense with a Tucsonan?
A. Getting them to make your Big Mac correctly.

Q. What does the average Tucson high school senior get on his SATs?
A. Drool

Q: Why do they throw manure at a Tucson wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q. What are the longest three years of a Tucsonan’s life?
A. First grade

Q. Why don’t you find many cockroaches in Tucson?
A. Because even most cockroaches have at least an ounce of self-respect.

Q. What do you do when a Tucsonan knocks on your door?
A. Tip them $5.00 and enjoy your pizza!

Q. How do you ruin a Tucson house party?
A. Flush the punch bowl.

Q. Why do Tucson women wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from scraping the ground.

Q. What do you get when you put 32 Tucsonans in one room?
A. Occasionally, a full set of teeth.

Q: How do we know Jesus Christ was not from Tucson?
A: You’d never find a virgin there, much less three wise men.

Q: How do you get to Tucson from Scottsdale?
A: You go south until you smell it, then east until you step in it.

Q: What are the only signs of intelligent life in Tucson?
A: “San Diego, 420 miles,” and  “El Paso, 300 miles”

Q. How do you get a Tucson chick into your bedroom?
A. Grease her hips and push.

The head of a Tucson high school math department told the school's honor student, “You’re failing MAT 101. In order to graduate at the end of the semester, you’re going to have to answer a couple questions correctly.  Question number one: What is four times eleven?”

“A hundred” the student answered.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the class chanted.

“OK, said the teacher, “what is two plus two?”

“Four” beamed the student.

“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the students chanted.

Q: How come whenever they shop for cars at Jim Click dealerships, Tucsonans never choose a
     Japanese car?
A: They’re afraid they won’t understand what’s playing on the car radio.

Q. What do you call a hot chick in Tucson?
A. A tourist.

Did you hear about the travel agency that was sponsoring a contest?  First prize was a week's vacation in Tucson.  Second prize was two weeks vacation in Tucson.

Q.  Why do Tucsonans carry turds in their wallets?
A.  I.D.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson woman and cholla?
A.  You could eat cholla if you absolutely had to.

Q. What's the most popular pick-up line in Tucson?
A.  “So which high school did you drop out of?”

Q.  What's Tucson foreplay?
A.  “Go get me another Corona, bitch.”

Q.  What's a Tucson yuppie?
A.  A guy who manages the fast food place where he works.

Q.  Why are their fewer illegal aliens in Tucson than in most other cities of the Southwest?
A.  Even desperate, down-and-out Mexicans still have a shred of self-respect.

Q.  How did they count Tucson's population in the 2010 census?
A.  They counted the number of known meth labs, then multiplied by 200.

Q.  What do you call a ten-year-old Tucsonan?
A.  A survivor.

Q.  Why is there an average of only six rattlesnake bites per year in Tucson?
A.  Even rattlesnakes have standards.

Q.  If you live in Tucson, how do you prevent burglars from stealing your valuables?
A.  Hide them in your library or in your bathroom underneath bars of soap, bottles of douche,
      or tubes of toothpaste.

Q.  What's the difference between a Tucson wedding and a Tucson funeral?
A.  One less drunken methhead at the funeral.

Q.  What do you call a rich Tucsonan?
A.  A snowbird

Q.  What do you call a Tucson man with a full-time steady job on which he supports his family?
A.  You're joking, right?

Q.  Why are day spas off limits to Tucsonans?
A.  The leave rings on the massage tables.

Q.  What do you call economic growth in Tucson?
A.  Wishful thinking

Q.  What do you call a 300-pound Tucson woman?
A.  Anorexic

A Tucson biker with his old lady on the back of his bike were riding down a stretch of open desert highway when they came upon a sanitation crew in the middle of the road repairing a ruptured sewer pipe.  As they came to a stop, a foul, breath-arresting, eye-watering stench from the open sewer main instantly smacked them full force in the  nostrils.  Inhaling deeply, the biker turned to his girlfriend and said “hey, babe, one of those guys is wearing my aftershave!”

Q.  What do you call a Tucson kid who is an honor student, an Eagle Scout, and an athlete?
A.  An outcast

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan divorce his wife and marry an outhouse?
A.  The hole was smaller, the smell was better, and it didn't talk back while he was using it.

Q.  How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Tucson?
A.  If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

Q.  What is the most confusing day of the year to a Tucsonan?
A.  Father's Day

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving?
A.  Because In-N-Out Burger is closed on both days.

Q.  Why did the Tucsonan stop bathing?
A.  He finally fixed the leak in his swamp cooler.

Q.  What's a Tucson drought?
A.  When the Circle K down the road is out of Corona and Coors Light.

Q.  Why don't Tucsonans bathe?
A.   They're afraid they'll lose their scent and that their kids won't be able to find their way home again.

Q.   What did the Tucsonan say to the javelina he caught raiding his garbage cans?
A.   “Stop, thief!”

Q.   What's the most under-attended event  in Tucson?
A.   Graduation day at the local high schools

Q.   What do you call someone with a graduate degree from UofA?
A.   “Waiter!”

Q.   What is the world's most hopeless job?
A.   Alcoholics Anonymous facilitator in Tucson.

Q.   Why did the Tucsonan stop going to church?
A.   He found out that a “Methodist” isn't someone from whom he could by drugs.

Q.   What's the difference between a Tucsonan and sandpaper?
A.   Sandpaper is smoother.

Q.   Why do Tucsonans call their city “the Old Pueblo?” 
A.   It's easier to say than “Tucson” when you have no teeth.

Q.   What do you call a Tucson dentist?
A.   Unemployed

Q.   When the church empties out after a Tucson wedding, how do you spot the bride?
A.   She's the one with a ring in her nose wearing the white tube top.

Q.   What is the world's most pointless government bureaucracy?
A.   The Arizona Department of Education

Q.    How do you tell a Tucsonan's age? 
A.    Count the number of tattoos.

Sources of Endless Stupidity

I refer here, of course, to the local mainstream print and broadcast media.  While these obsolete outlets of government propaganda for the moron masses are insufferable everywhere, they are more so here by orders of magnitude, given the diminished mental capacity of the intended audience.  I offer here a selection of the main "officially sanctioned" sources of local stupidity, the list being by no means exhaustive.

The Arizona Daily Star. The only corporate print "newspaper" still "serving" Tucson in the two years since the demise of the equally execrable Tucson Citizen , which now exists only in digital form (and is no more useful than its dead tree pulp ancestor).  How a town whose majority barely reads at a fifth grade level managed to sustain two newspapers for over one hundred years is one of the world's great unsolved mysteries.  The Daily Star has, not surprisingly, degenerated into a pale imitation of USA Today and serves the same purpose: to make functional illiterates think they're reading a real newspaper.

KGUN, KOLD , KMSB, and KVOA .  The "Four Fucktards" of TV "news" for Tucson, affiliated with ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC, respectively, each of the dying "big four" having a local corpse on life support.  All of these stations are, like others around the nation, interchangeable and fungible, each station's moronic drivel packaged as "news" indistinguishable from that of its other three "competitors."  Of special note in Tucson, however, are KVOA's gang of hacks, fronted by the brainless token Kristi Tedesco and sleazy used car salesman-turned-teleprompter-reader John Overall.  A pair more representative of their intended audience is unlikely to be found in any major city of comparable size.

There are other sources out there to be found, if you have a strong stomach and life minutes to waste looking for them.  Those that I cite above will do just fine as inexhaustible sources of material for this blog.


To those of you who are first-time visitors to this new blog, I bid you welcome (insert proper Bela Lugosi accent here). It is my sincere hope that you are not one of us unfortunate souls who exist here in what is commonly called "the Old Pueblo." If you are, I'm assuming that you are here either because you share the sentiments expressed by this blog's title, or because you are offended by it and wish to defend what passes for this city's honor. Either way, I look forward to your input.

For those who wonder why this blog is here, I created it out of a sense of frustration. When I first moved here nearly a decade ago after surviving for nearly two decades on the East Coast, I looked forward to simply being able to settle into my new pastoral existence in the northwestern part of the city, meet new neighbors, establish new professional and social contacts, and generally do whatever I could to contribute to the betterment of everyone's life here through peaceful, voluntary interaction. Before moving here I had visited Tucson frequently over a period of several years for both work and pleasure, during each of the area's five seasons, meeting many people from all walks of life, enjoying the climate and thinking that Tucson was a functional city like any other, even considering that it had its own unique problems.
It soon became evident that I was unprepared for what it meant to actually live here year round and permanently. After succumbing to the bait of lovely year-round weather (yes, that includes summer; I'm a proverbial "desert rat") and what was then a dynamic housing market, it dawned on me after my first three months of actually living here that all was not as it at first seemed. It soon became apparent that the inhabitants of this place were the most anti-social, apathetic, bigoted, ignorant, irresponsible, lazy, shiftless, substance-addicted and STUPID creatures I had ever encountered, even by Arizona standards. I could not and still cannot grasp how it is possible that so much human stupidity is concentrated in one municipal unit and yet that unit still manages to function as a civilization. There must be just enough people here with IQs north of the zero mark able to keep the cogs in motion and prevent collapse, although I'm still not sure after nearly ten years here just who these people are. I certainly don't encounter them on a regular basis. The bottom line is that intelligent, motivated, hardworking, thrifty, moral, critically thinking people have an extremely difficult time adapting to Tucson. In fact, those who can (i.e., those with enough foresight not to have bought property here and who are not tied down to a local job) usually leave in disgust after a very short time. As has been pointed out on this excellent blog, many, if not most of those who have no choice but to stay usually resign themselves to a tedious, ultimately meaningless existence which they attempt to cope with through drug and alcohol abuse, just like the natives do. That's why even those who are not native to this godforsaken city but who have spent enough years of their lives here become indistinguishable from those who are Tucson born and bred.

Yours truly, however, has no intention of giving in to the status quo. To be perfectly clear, I fault no one but myself for the decision to buy overpriced property here during the "boom" period, but that has little bearing on my hatred of this city. The fact is that I intend to either reform my own small piece of this place or become a bone in its collective throat while trying. Either way, I intend to show the world this city's true colors. Hopefully this will serve to prevent more well-meaning people from being deceived into moving here, or encourage those with no alternative but to stay here to make a difference. With any luck and with God's help, both will happen.