No Saguaro

No Saguaro

January 15, 2012

Tucson Tard (T2) Of The Week: Nathaniel Canez

This is an award that I intend to bestow each week to the Tucson Tard (henceforth referred to in this blog as a “T2”) who has managed to tunnel beneath the previously established nadir of this town’s well-known stupidity to do something uniquely boneheaded.  While ideally this award would only be conferred upon a single individual once, some of the more prominent recipients such as local politicians, celebrities, or community activists will no doubt say or do things of such mind-numbing idiocy, with such regularity that they will leave me no choice to but make them multiple titleholders.  Anyway, on to our inaugural awardee, who we are informed has been sentenced this week to almost half a century in prison for the multiple acts of stupidity described below.

Two and a half years ago, on September 7, 2009, young Mr. Canez and some of his equally acerebral, oxygen-thieving pals decided that it would be a great idea, and a lot of fun, to go on a spree of breaking into and stealing from parked cars in a heavily populated residential neighborhood.  Such capers have long plagued this crime-infested berg, leading some of the more law-abiding inmates to make extra efforts to watch out for and prevent such activity in their neighborhoods.  Given that gun ownership and gun use, among the law-abiding as well as criminal class, is very popular even in the suburban and urban neighborhoods of this place, the undertaking by Mr. Canez and company was a less than brilliant idea.  But, being model T2s, the obvious dangers and high risk of being caught didn’t deter Canez or his buddies.

One of the residents of the 6200 block of South Campbell Avenue, an intended victim of the Canez posse, apparently didn’t care to be relieved of his vehicle or property by mobile pieces of excrement masquerading as teenage humans.  Understandably, he decided to stop them in their endeavor to commit mayhem and mischief.   Unfortunately, however, he either was not armed (bad idea) or was unable or did not attempt to use any firearms he might have been carrying, because Mr. Canez shot the man. 

Either miraculously or through some judge’s unfathomable stupidity (I’m betting on the latter; the judge responsible for this is a candidate for a future T2 Award), our genius awardee was granted bail on January 8, 2010, but just couldn’t seem to be able to keep his nose clean while awaiting trial.  Not satisfied with committing attempted murder, our Tard of the Week decided that he was going to spend the weeks and months awaiting trial continuing to be a criminal scumbag.  Apparently not content with just that either, he decided, almost two months to the day after his release on undeserved parole, to lead some local cops on a high-speed chase down East Ajo Way when they tried to pull him over, undoubtedly for doing something transparently stupid (like, say, driving a stolen car?).  While recklessly joyriding down East Ajo, our wannabe Mario Andretti decided to mate his getaway car with two others on that street before finally being apprehended. 

Presumably a judge different from the one who initially released Canez on bail was not amused by either his latest Indy 500/Demolition Derby caper or his original crime of shooting people trying to prevent their property from being stolen.  The judge sentenced Canez to 26 years for the shooting and to an additional 18 for the evading arrest and other multiple charges. 

Admittedly, Nathaniel Canez’s case isn’t the most egregious that could qualify for the T2 Award, but we’ll be sure to work our way down from here. Stay tuned. Next week’s T2 will surely be more interesting and deserving.After all, there’s a nearly endless supply of candidates.